Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
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2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
My kids are fighting and screaming loudly outside. I should probably do something.
*closes window*
ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
Note for people married to fanatical hikers: when they say “let’s get out and walk a little,” your idea of a little might be to that ice cream stand over there and theirs might be 5 miles.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
Me, alone in a soundproof room within another soundproof room: *slowly and carefully tears open candy wrapper*
Kids: WHATCHA EATING?!?
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
My favorite machine at the gym is the one you put change in and snacks come out
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I’ll never rob a store because I don’t want to see the police guess my weight on a wanted poster.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
22 year old me after a night of drinking: “I hope I didn’t do anything stupid.”
29 year old me: “I hope I didn’t agree to go on a hike.”
I was very proud of myself for eating a healthy dinner. So naturally I rewarded myself with a bowl of ice cream.
Autocorrect can suck a bag of docks
The “self-lubricated catheter” and the “discreet pocket catheter” have me rethinking what role catheters ought to be playing in my life.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Me: I’ve trained my parrot to compliment me daily.
Parrot: you are SO clever, aren’t you.
Me: *sighing* it’s also learnt my sarcastic tone.
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall