My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
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I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
Kids: We’re bored.
Me: Here’s a dime. Call someone who cares.
Kids: What?
Me: When I was a kid that was an insult.
Kids: Why?
Me: We had phones you had to put coins-
Kids: Why wouldn’t you just text them for free?
Me: So we didn’t have textin-
Kids: OMG HOW OLD ARE YOU
Follow, because I write books and you imagine I will impart great wisdom to aspiring writers. Unfollow, because I mostly tweet about squirrels and the dead mouse I found in the basement that one time.
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
Two elderly British ladies greeting each other
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
“Nothing there? Better bark at it.” – a dog
I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.
I had a big wedding and I’ve birthed three children so there are a lot of fond memories. The two I cherish most are the day I got my iPhone and the day the new liquor store opened up on the corner.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
Barista: can I get a name?
Me: sure, you can be “ugly coffee maker man”
Barista: no for you
Me: I’ll be “handsome coffee drinker guy”
Nothing says “I’ve been going through your shit” like “why do you delete your browser history?”
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
Look, if you need a heimlich, just ask me nicely, enough of this flapping your arms and making faces shit.
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Cartman: Respect my
a a
If you don’t count the six chocolate chip cookies or the two dead bodies, my diet’s going pretty well today.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
Why don’t they just call a mirror ‘The Self Checkout’?
My neighbor told me I should start living my dreams so I had sex with his wife
After dinner last night my wife brought out 5 cupcakes for dessert and said, one for every person in the family. There’s only 4 of us so I had a mini panic attack thinking we were going to have 3 kids under 4 and once she saw my face she screamed, I can’t count, I can’t count!
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
I had sex with a girl who had the big holes in her ear lobes once
It was just once, because using them as reins isn’t cool, apparently
Me: Will I live a long and happy life? *shake, shake, shake*
SOON A DOZEN CLOWNS WILL MURDER YOU WHILE YOU SLEEP
Me: This is the worst Magic 8 Ball ever.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me