Her: You’re a pathological liar!
Me: …and the King of Spain.
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My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I told my waiter the same thing i told my plastic surgeon. Give me chicken breasts.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
[on first date]
I’ll have an iced tea, please.
Waiter: Sure. Ummm…anything for the balloon with a woman’s face drawn on it?
Baby, tonight let’s put the kids to bed, pour some wine, turn the lights down low & argue over whose turn it is to move the Elf on the Shelf
landlord: i’m raising your rent
me: am i getting more house
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
*Farmer walks into job application
Farmer: I barely speak English, and my village doesn’t have a computer.
Employer: BOOM! Tech support!
There’s panic and then there’s can’t-find-your-tampon-string-panic.
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
Date: Have you ever been to an animal hospital?
Me: No *imagines a dog holding a stethoscope* but I want to
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Oh, you’re an early riser?
Yes.
Have kids?
No.
A farm?
No.
Insomnia?
No.
Medical condition?
No.
Psycho.
My 4yo just saw two people french kissing on TV and asked me why they were “eating each other,” so I’m open to suggestions here.
Wife leaves keys on counter with a helpful note saying “keys” in case I thought they were llamas.
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
LOOK A UFO!
Quick, grab the worst camera
money can buy.
Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no