a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
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Why is it always “I see you drank all the beer today!” instead of, “Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator.”
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
I always cry at wedding ceremonies because I don’t want to be there.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Not all heroes wear capes.
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
[first time picking up the tab]
her: don’t forget to leave a tip
me: ah yes *scribbles ‘don’t do drugs’ on receipt*
angel: when was he resurrected
god: Sunday?
angel: gonna need you to be more specific if we’re making an annual thing
god: it was like early-mid April
angel: ok-
god: could’ve been March tho
angel:
god: like 40 days after he did the fasting shit
angel: bruh
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
is the plural of judas judasses or judi
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
“Ok, hear me out. What if we gave people enough for three fries?”
-guy who invented ketchup packets
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
My birthday’s 9 months after my dad’s. So I have to live with that knowledge.
I work for a water company and I regularly call in fake jobs in a funny voice near me on weekends to get a call out fee and double pay overtime, nearly doubled my salary
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
Mario: hey u up?
Princess: yeah y?
M: come over 😉
P: can’t. Kidnapped 🙁
M: Where? I’ll save u
P: castle. Up stairs, next 2 flagpole
M: k
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
I don’t see any clouds today so where is your data really stored?
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
Today, I’ve been cleaning. And by cleaning I mean drinking wine and spraying everything with Febreze.
Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting