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UBER: Sounds better than “Let’s get in this strange man’s car!”
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
absolute chaos
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
If you can pin an animal in the petting zoo down for a three count, you get to take it home.
This guy thinks he can take my girlfriend home with him just because he bought her a few drinks and he’s married to her. Men.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
Me, 48 hrs after agreeing to let shit go: “Okay, lemme ask you somethin-“
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
me at a party:
*eats*
.
.
.
*attempts to calculate the socially acceptable amount of time before going back to graze on the spread*
.
.
.
*repeat for duration of party*
.
.
.
*make sure to stop by the food one last time before saying goodnight to all*
.
.
.
*go back once more*
shut up and take my money
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
me: i don’t know what to order
waiter: the chef’s special?
me: I’m sure he is
You know shit’s about to get real when I put on yoga pants before dessert.
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
RECEPTIONIST: And what’s the best way to reach you?
ME: Probably just standing really close to me. And then, like… *slowly stretches arm out*
Text: ARE YOU ALIVE? Me: Why?
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
Autocorrect just changed “lady parts” to “lazy parts” and I didn’t wanna change it back because it’s not wrong, to be honest.
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*