Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
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Optometrist: Any questions about laser eye surgery?
Me: How big of lasers will my eyes shoot?
Him:
Me:
Him: How much money do you have?
Me: I want more
Dentist: excuse me?
Me: you know how you take teeth out?
Dentist: yea
Me: do that but the opposite
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Please send yard fairy. Or a genie. Or your firstborn. Anyone that will cut grass will do
Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
Got banned for life from McDonald’s for asking the cashier if the Filet-O-Fish was made of Mc-Erel
*exits the van with a bag of candy and a new puppy*
I expected that to go differently
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
Subway sandwich employee said he wears the gloves “cuz the meat stings.”
PARENTS: when we were ur age we bought a house for $10,000
ME: oh yeah? well did u have.. THIS?!
*gestures to 114 gross Oreo flavors*
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
Doctor: “I’m afraid you have loser says what disease.”
Me: “What?”
Doctor: “lol”
Me: “Is it serious?”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “lol”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
Today was so terrible, I thought
Steven Seagal was in it.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
I just ordered a set of dumbbells, so that’ll be a fun new thing to trip over while I search for the remote.
my life really started to turn around once i had a microwave installed in the bathroom
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
So where do I put the banana if I am not happy to see you?
Doc Brown: “Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads”
Me working from home: “Pants? Where we’re going, we don’t need pants”
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off