Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
You Might Also Like
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
HIM: I like your shirt!
ME: [wondering why he excluded every other thing I’m wearing and also me] thanks
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
What’s the opposite of irony?
Crinkly.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I feel like Indiana Jones every time I go looking for keys in my purse.
#MeanwhileInCanada
*Brings pen to sword fight*
Guy with sword : What’s that?
Me : Tis mightier!
*Gets beheaded*
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
“Hey, look, is that Dad?”
“Either that or Batman’s really let himself go.”
Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
Why are sports teams named after animals? Why can’t it be the Atlanta Cherry Blossoms… or the Denver Lettuce Wraps.. ?
Me: I’m gonna get you dressed.
3yo: cool I’m gonna make it as hard as possible for you to do so.
Me: cool.
3yo: cool.
I passed a sofa on the expressway on my way to work….. I’ve never wanted to pull over so bad in my entire life
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
Hi if you have three kids you will either do dishes twice a day or you will buy 3,439 forks.
If I died today, my boss would just hold a seance to add my ghost to some nonsense Teams call
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Food gives you energy to nap more.
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Before I got a phone I used to just stare at my right hand all day
9: I want a little personal drone that I can fly in.
Me: That would be a plane.
9: No like a drone with the blades on top that I can get in.
Me: So, a helicopter then.
9: No no small like a drone.
Me: …..
ME: [opening door and tossing in an apple]
DOCTOR: [diving on it] GRENADE!
just weaponized “with all due respect” at my condo board. and now we wait.
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids