Last night I dreamt I laid in bed all day drinking wine, eating chocolate & watching Netflix.
Tomorrow I’m making my dreams come true.
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If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
doctor: your parents were in a car accident
me: how are they?
doctor: they’re extremely critical
me: so they’re awake, that’s good
You can love someone with all your heart and still frequently daydream about hitting them with a shovel ok
Having three kids taught me that I’m capable of so much more than I ever thought. For example, I can ignore all three kids at once.
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
who called it a toilet and not an IP address
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
The person that joins a Zoom meeting where everyone’s video is off and leaves their camera on is the same person that reminded the teacher that she forgot to assign that night’s homework.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I wonder what the girl who dumped me in high school would say now that I’m exactly the same but older
Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
(trying to indicate to my partner that i would like another beer if theyre getting up, but using only skills i learned from point and click adventure games) wow, i could really go a beer right now. maybe some beer would help in this situation. i think there’s some beer over there
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
There are two types of people:
-Those who have a nice stockpile of toilet paper, Purell, hand soap, frozen foods, and canned goods
-Those who plan on facing the apocalypse with nothing but a bottle of whiskey and their wits
#SCOTUS one-star review
I rinsed a big spider down my kitchen sink and then I put coffee grounds down. Now I’m worried a caffeine-fueled arachnid is going to leap out and come after me.
Dad to kid: “Connor, eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
“Eat your food!”
Me: *turns around, eats all of kid’s food*
[speed dating]
HER: I guess I’m just looking for someone who’s like my father
ME [trying to impress]: a bunny’s favorite music is hip hop
Accidentally closed a browser with 20+ tabs opened . . . this must be what the scholars of Alexandria felt when their great library burned.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
captcha starting to give us tasks like we’re in a saw movie or something.
Me: *Swimming with dolphins*
Wife: How the hell did you get those in the tub?
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Person drinking Smart Water: It’s like I’m being smart about what I put in my body.
Me, mouth full of Smartees: We’re so much alike.