Some of you are calling yourself British but I haven’t seen you complain about the weather once.
Curious…
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Things I’ve Learned From Horror Movies:
•Don’t have sex, you’ll die.
•Don’t leave the group, you’ll die.
•Don’t be black, you’ll die first.
Of course I believe in science, like how jelly grows inside donuts.
Autocarrot sucks!
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
[Using raccoons for a heist]
Pros:
• stealthy
• tiny hands
• no fingerprints
• blend in with the dark
• attracted to shiny things
• already have the outfitCons:
• distracted by shiny things
• not great with directions
• poor traffic safety
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
*hands out free hug coupons in the mosh pit*
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
My neighbours are so judgemental about me working from home. Mostly because I use their home.
[80% of bar rescue eps]
TAFFER: this employee stole $150,000 dollars from you, burned your car, and killed your dog. he says he would happily do it again. what are you gonna do?
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER:
OWNER:
TAFFER: you’re going to fire him
OWNER: I’m going to fire him
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
when revenge coincides with naptime
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
Taking viagra for my sunburn. Doesn’t cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
Bruce Willis is watching Brokeback Mountain & shaking his head. “Silly Cowboy! Thats not a horse hahaha he’s trying to ride the man bwahaha”