When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on.
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angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
I’m gonna get full size candy bars and hand them out to just one member of each group on Halloween to create division amongst the children
Food gives you energy to nap more.
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
OPTIMUS PRIME: This is just because I’m also a car. I want to be clear, you being inside me is not sexual for me.
ME: Okay but you saying it that way every time makes me feel like it might be.
“YES, BACON TOTALLY CAUSES CANCER!” – pigs
Who called it a period tracker and not a flow chart?
Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?
They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.
my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
ME: let me be frank
DAD: [eyes widen]
ME: and if you say hi Frank I’m dad, I’m gonna be real pissed
DAD: fair enough GonnaBeRealPissed
There were kids who did cartwheels.
There were kids who didn’t do cartwheels.
There were kids who thought they were doing cartwheels.
Good one computer geniuses, you made everything “user friendly” and “intuitive” and now idiots are on the internet commenting on everything.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
My friend went out with a guy who works at Trader Joe’s and when she mentioned she likes the new brookie caramel candy clusters he said he didn’t want to talk about work 😅
the funniest thing i’ve ever said was on april 11th 2009 to my dad’s cat and no one else was around to hear it. a car horn honked and he hopped off my bed and ran downstairs and i said “oh shit is your ride here” and laughed alone to myself for like five minutes straight
You can’t live on Cheetos and Oreos alone.
But God knows I’ve tried.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
[Funeral]
Me: “Do you mind if I say a word?”
Widow: “Please do”
Me *clears throat: “Plethora!”
Widow: “Thank you. That means a lot.”
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
Lube but for my dry humor.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
If you get pulled over, you should be able to read the police officer the tweet you were writing, and if it’s a banger he’s gotta let you off.
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
*sees a baby screaming on the plane* wait– WAIT. WHY IS HE SCREAMING. OH MY GOD WHY IS HE SCREAMING. WHAT DOSE HE KNOW THAT WE DONT
[jolts awake in bed]
Honey, wake up! I had a terrible nightmare that you were an algorithm!
spouse: (from under covers) That’s awful, sweetheart. Let me suggest some other dreams you might have
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.