I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
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[during sex]
her: choke me
me: {drops a popcorn kernel into the back of her throat}
*makes breakfast for two
*eats both of them
I hate it when strangers question me. I’m with my kid, & this lady goes, ‘He’s cute. Who does he look like?’ I’m like, ‘Your husband’
*2:47 am. i roll over, nudge my wife awake & whisper*
i’m thinking of asking my buddies if i can call them my apostles
Not to brag but the guy working at the liquor store said I looked like I didn’t need any help.
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
How can anyone look at a Roomba in action and think we’re anywhere close to self-driving cars?
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
My husband has reached an age where he reads the menu out loud. The whole menu.
And then he has questions.
Please send help.
ground deer meat in a bun—call that a Sloppy Doe
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
I never read Clifford the Big Red Dog, the title gives too much away.
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
As the Lord intended
BARISTA: Thanks for coming. Enjoy your coffee!
ME: Thanks. You too!
BARISTA: You too? Oh no. Not again.
*pours ninth cup of coffee for the day and drinks it while excitedly sobbing
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
She was Hannah Montana when Bush was president. Thanks, Obama.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
When people ask me why I’m in a wheelchair by saying “What do you have?” I want to say something ridiculous like “I got a pocket, got a pocketful of sunshine.”
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
YOU CAN’T KICK ME OUT OF THE INTERNATIONAL HOUSE OF PANCAKES LINDA I HAVE DIPLOMATIC IMMUNITY
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
Calls for kids: Nobody responds.
Gets on phone: Two kids yelling for me while fighting, the other asking what’s for dinner when it’s 9 am.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.