Genie: for your first wish?
Me: I wish my kid would listen to me.
Genie: done, and for your second?
Me: you can go I’m good.
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My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
According to my DNA results, I’m 99% high af.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Alhumdulillah my country is full of talent
Got banned for life from the vet’s for calling the person who operated on my cat a ‘furgeon’.
[immortal aliens studying us]
After about 80 years, they enter a larval stage and lie dormant underground. We don’t know what happens next.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
This day in history. 1634. The Irish House of Commons passed An Act for the Punishment for the Vice of Buggery, prodded so to speak to do so by Anglican bishop John Atherton who was later the first to be hanged for the crime.
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
This message is invisible.
Only people who suffer from
lack of sex can read this.
Given the amount of clowns around here you’d think it would be more entertaining
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
Yoga Instructor: and finally we move into downward-facing dog.
Me: you forgot updog.
Yoga Instructor: what’s up-
Wife: -NOOOO!
I hate to cancel plans, but in all honesty, when I made them earlier I was younger & full of hope.
My friend sent me a picture of her baby and I don’t have a baby so I just sent her back a picture of a steak I cooked once.
I was gonna do a tweet about Albert Einstein’s IQ but I couldn’t get it under 140.
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
My family wants to start exercising more so now I have to jog to another town and find a new family
Bear mace is like regular mace but you have to buy it at the maul…
Thank you for your time.
[HONK HONK]
…one more honk and I’m gonna…
[HONK]
*gets out of my car*
*walks to the car behind me*
*feeds the driver’s goose some bread*
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
I have achieved immortality.
I found a mysterious lamp and sure enough there was a genie inside.I wished that I won’t die a virgin.
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?