Me: Is the red one cherry or strawberry?
Morpheus: That honestly should not matter right now
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this is so top tier i cant
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
If your online dating profile says “I don’t have sex on the first date” then that’s why you’re on a dating website.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I painted 1 room & then the hallway and room next to it looked kinda shabby and I’m guessing this is how plastic surgery gets out of hand.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Not to brag, but a news anchor started following me today. She recognizes a disaster when she sees one.
[reading my journal] me: damn what a psycho
We’ve seen a guy in a hockey mask with a machete, we’ve seen a dude put knives on his glove, but how is there no horror movie about a tiny flying baby with a bow and arrow, that shit sounds terrifying.
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
9: Why are you hitting that spider?
wife: I don’t like spiders
me: Ooooh *grabs newspaper*
mother-in-law [leaving] I don’t have to take this
My solution to everything is fire. How do I get out this stain? Fire. How do you fix a car? Fire. How do you break up with someone? FIRE!
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“Duck…”
“MOOSE!!!”
“Alright, who said the Canadian kid could play?!?!”
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
lost dog
My 1-year-old found a jar of Play-Doh.
I figured she couldn’t do any harm if she couldn’t open it.
She threw it at her sister’s head.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
My wife sends me home improvement TikToks and says these projects “would be so easy” for me to do so I started sending her the elaborate “simple” cooking ones and now we’ve reached an uncomfortable truce.
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
my daughter hones her survival instincts by forgoing the provided bowl and spreading goldfish crackers all over the house to forage & store
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
My 4yr old daughter just charged me $47 for a fake cake she cooked in her pretend oven.
I laughed.
…
She stared at me until I paid her.
1% battery…..
Because I like to live on the