Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
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Mondays aren’t too bad if you remember one thing: Use short bursts —flamethrowers don’t hold much fuel.
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
“Miley Cyrus: ‘Society Wants to Shut Me Down'”. Not down, Miley. Up.
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*
*presses close elevator button*Wife (out of breath): Thanks for holding the elevator open
Me: No problem
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
It doesn’t matter if you’re filming a segment for TV or not, if you’re hanging out with Tom Cruise, at some point you’re jumping out of a plane
The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
I’m told I look very good for a man twice my age.
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
I opened this great self-care app.
It’s called “the fridge.”
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
[snake charmer struggling to get snake to stand up] I swear this never happens
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, check and see if she has a collar.”
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
My daughter was disappointed with dinner last night and said, “At least this is better than pasta.” Which is a real shame because we’re having pasta for dinner tonight.
Opened the lint filter on my dryer after washing my dog’s bedding and another dog fell out.
Turns out that the half-acre I bought is in an active tectonic zone. I’m on shaky ground here folks. I have a lot on my plate and it’s all my fault.
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”