My phone autocorrected killed to kilt. Well plaid, phone. Well plaid.
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I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
No one wants to talk about Dracula’s defining quality, turning into thousands of bats to avoid human contact.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
Her: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to learn Japanese and crochet*
Me: *uses quarantine as an opportunity to perfect my cereal to milk ratio*
She’s carrying a torch for you because her flamethrower’s in the shop.
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
My daughter just rolled over in her sleep, smiled and said ‘waffles’. She’s definitely mine
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
After several Steven Segal films in a row, you’d think bad guys would know to avoid rooms that contain both him & a PoolTable
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
Me: Should I measure this in miles or kilometers?
Scientist: It doesn’t matter right now just pick something.
Me: What do you mean just pick something??
Scientist: Desperate times call for desperate measures.
[watching burglar tear apart the house] lmao ur not even close
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
[first day as a mechanic]
customer: can i get a quote?
me: give me liberty or give me death
customer: i meant for the truck
me: oh sorry…autobots, roll out
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[PetSmart]
Why pay $30 for a bird when I can pay $10 & grow like 1000 of them?
*throws bag of bird seed in cart*
I’m such a smart shopper.
Every sitcom: So you know how in your late twenties and early 30s, you have this close group of friends that just kind of hangs out at each other’s houses all the time?
Teenage me: definitely.
30s me: Wait, what
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Dr: You have palpitations
Me: You mean my heartbeat’s off?
Dr: Hearts can’t beat off HAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA- [goes into cardiac arrest]
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
Studies show people lose interest in a tweet right about now
My kids fed chips to some seagulls and now we have to go into the witness protection program.