*Makes bacon
*Eats one piece
*2 pieces
*3 pieces
*Eats all the bacon
*Hides the evidence9: Yummm! What’s that smell?
Me: Cereal
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Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Guy Fieri got into a fistfight with his hairdresser. I guess he finally looked in a mirror and saw what the dude’s been doing to his hair.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
My gyno has to use a car jack instead of a speculum
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
One way to handle social anxiety is to pretend you are a ghost & people are staring at you because they have a gift they never asked for
Trump says he’ll make Oasis pay for a wonder wall.
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [looking at menu] what page are u on
Um, products that have seals that read, “Do not use if seal is missing,” how are we supposed to know that a seal is missing if it’s missing?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
Dating tip:
Walk up to a girl in a club, smile, look into her eyes, take her hand and walk away. If she wants her hand back, she’ll find you
At first I thought my daughter was sick because she was sluggish and laid on the couch on her phone all day, but then I realized those were just symptoms of day 4 of Christmas break.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I WON A HAM TODAY
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
The next COVID variant will be named Optimus Prime, followed by Bumblebee and Rachet.
This whiskey tastes like my neighbours will be listening to Metallica.
It isn’t a successful BBQ until some drunken idiot walks face first into a closed sliding glass door.
I’m fine by the way.
Why do we never see “Side effects may include spontaneous happiness, explosive giggling, uncontrollable hugging, and diarrhea”?