The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
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My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Yeah avengers endgame was good but I found out my boyfriend is a movie clapper so at what cost
A group of toddlers is called a migraine
there are some wounds only potatoes can heal
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
I don’t carry my wallet to work because I’m afraid someone will steal it while I’m sleeping.
Me: my tooth hurts when I suck
Dentist: so you’re in constant pain
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
I used to think it would be cool to be able to read other people’s minds.
Then I joined Twitter and got over that real quick.
We’re playing Mario party and the boys keeps intentionally referring to Luigi as Louis and it’s making me irrationally angry.
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
Follow me for more life hacks.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
[David Attenborough voice]
and although the female human is no longer hungry she returns once more to the fridge.
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Much like Camilla, I too take a rest after defeating an entire royal family.
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.