*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
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Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
Sorry I was cleaning my phone screen and accidentally took 37 selfies.
The year is 2246. Disease and hunger have been eradicated. The terraforming of Mars is complete. The symbol for Save is still a floppy disk.
You’re telling me I’m paying nyc rent prices just to be on the same tectonic plate as Philly and Boston? I’m feeling sick
You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
A gym so fancy they call it a James.
Bus duty in the library after school.
Walkie-talkie: Bus 4, come on out! Bus 9, you’re next!
Kindergartener: They called our bus!
Me: No they didn’t. They called 4 and 9. We’re 11.
Kinder: Yeah, but 4 plus 9 is 11, so they called us!
Me: Okay, well, first of all,
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
HOW TO TRICK A MAN INTO MARRIAGE
her: hey babe they’re serving all you can eat beans at this church
him: see you there
[at the church]
her: I just found out the beans are only for married couples
him: ahh fine
This rocks
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Girlfriend scrolled my search history, has LOTS of questions about the Lindbergh kidnapping. That makes two of us.
Alanis Morissette: It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a knife.
Spoons R Us clerk: Ma’am, nobody asked you to shop here.
*throws phone over courthouse metal detector. catches phone on the other side. resumes conversation*
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
I wonder if the people who camp out in front of stores for Black Friday sales realize there are online sales too.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
[calculating calories]
Breakfast: 300
Lunch: 500
Dinner: 700
Snacking while preparing dinner: 8,374
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
Wish I had a neck like an owl so when a guy is spooning me right after sex I could turn my head all the way around and say that was awful
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.