Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
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“…anyway, long story short” bro, you’ve been talking for 53 minutes
Oh, I bet you would be
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
ME: sometimes i just repeat your name instead of laughing
HANNAH: that is the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard
ME: hannahannahannahannaha
[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
Me: God, I just feel so
Brain: HUNGRY
M: No, I’m very alone. I desperately want
B: FOOD
M: Part of me is missing. All I need is
B: PRINGLES
I tried the Japanese method of decluttering my home where you throw away everything that doesn’t bring you joy.
So far, I’ve thrown out all the vegetables, the electric bill, the scale, my bras and the boyfriend.
Scientist: what do u know about atoms
Me: very little
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
detective: [examining dead body] do we know who he is
me: yeah we got his name from his coffee cup
detective: what was it
me: starbucks
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
Missing someone is tough but you move on eventually & I’m no longer allowed to chaperone field trips.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”
Kids: Mom told us about the elf.
Husband: She did? She told you that…
Kids: He has COVID.
Husband:
Me:
6: And he’s on a bendilator.
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
I met my wife online. We’ve been married four years and have a girl, a troll and lovely twin bots.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.