The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
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me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I went to get fingerprinted for my new job, and in hindsight I probably shouldn’t have been so enthusiastic when the tech asked “Have you ever been fingerprinted before?” And my reply was “Oh yeah, for SURE.”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
not sure why we don’t use this thing more often
How’s virtual school going for you? I’ll start.
My son was late to his PE class because he was making nachos.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*
Him: What’s funny?
Me: Nothing.
Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*
Me: Ha! Photo bombed!
The Wizard of Oz: A teenage runaway gets caught in a storm, commits manslaughter, & crosses state lines to see a man more than 3x her age.
“Do I want to smell like a 15 year old boy?” I axe myself.
*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens*mouths* “call me”
😏😏😏
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 muscles to frown, then how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?
Hired a chimney sweep and he refused to sing and dance on our roof. A disgrace to the profession.
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
The scientifically proven most effective way of cooling off your fighter in between rounds. #PFLPlayoffs
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
I don’t want to be with someone who will finish my sentences. I want to be with someone who will finish the dishes.
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
If you ever see someone drinking straight from a flask in a mall food court… I wouldn’t make eye contact.
How I know this is unimportant.
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
If you’re just out of school and working at your first adult job you may be wondering, “Is this really all there is to life?” and the answer is no! There’s also back pain
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Me: Wanna have sex?
Wife: With you or in general?
“I’m down for whatever,” I say, before falling asleep.
My kid said that she doesn’t have diarrhea, but she might have alittlesickarrhea
[asking a girl out]
ME: So do you have a dog?
HER: Yes, I do. She’s very playful.
ME: *nervously* Do you know if she’s busy later?