The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
You Might Also Like
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
[at home]
ac repair guy: yup, the unit can be fixed
me: well..what’s the problem
ac repair guy: just shit in the filter
me: wait..to fix it??
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
using internet explorer to download chrome is like when my gf borrowed my car to cheat on me
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Saltine’s slogan should be “Sorry you’re sick.”
Coach: Ice cream! My treat
Kids: Yay— wait where’s ours?
Coach: My treat
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
I’m sorry for the things I said when I was attempting to take off my sports bra.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
Afraid of sharks? Simply wear a string bikini in the ocean – you’ll be so busy trying to keep it on that you’ll forget that you’re swimming amongst gigantic murdering fishies
I’m not saying I drink too much caffeine but I do believe my body will keep moving 48 hours after my death.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
There are two kinds of people here
1. Those who tried deleting another person’s tweet or reply.
2. Liars
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
just saw Netflix went up to $19.99/month and all I gotta say is for the person who’s been letting me use theirs for the past few years…please stay strong 🙏
To me, being Single means never having to apologize..
Unless someone drops by my disgusting house unannounced
The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That’s why it’s crazy for me to go to work
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.