the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
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Maybe it’s not auto correct, mayve it’s your big fat clumsy dingers.
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
Me: *practices best man speech while shaving in front of mirror*
Driver’s ed instructor: stop the car
I don’t drink alcohol, I drink spirits.
I’m not an alcoholic, I am spiritual.
HER: I wish I lived in the 20s
ME: no u dont
HIM: right bc they had no womens rights
M[was going to say bc they didnt have Netflix]: exactly
I’m glad they call themselves attorneys-at-law. I wouldn’t want to accidently hire an attorney-at-baking or an attorney-at-pottery.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
One day, perhaps, I will manage to send myself an email without thinking “ooh who’s this?!” when it arrives three seconds later.
Well I guess someone had to be the cautionary tale. You’re welcome, everyone.
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
Ummm
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
The best part of being a flight attendant has to be when you walk the aisle saying “trash” to everyone’s face.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
I hate it when I forget to cut the tags off my sandwich and everyone’s like “New sandwich?”
If Amazon had a dating app:
You recently got married! Here are some similar people you may be interested in
Therapist: we need to work on YOU taking responsibility for YOUR actions
Me: *pulls a flask out* WHO PUT THIS IN MY PURSE?
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
You can just say something like “a group of chipmunks is called a cheek.” No one fact-checks that shit anymore
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
Some days I can’t believe my son is 3 ½ years old. I swear that kid has been tormenting us for at least 10 years.
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.
Today someone asked me, how much you weigh….
So I told her one hundred and sexy!#curvyissexy
Him: what are you doing
Me: gas is so cheap right now
Him: ok but–
Me: *continues filling bathtub*
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.