Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
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The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
Pro Tip: when taking a shower in an unfamiliar bathroom, remember to figure out the shower faucet BEFORE removing your clothing.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
“Hey, we’re wearing the same shoes,” I say to a teenager, ruining her day.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
DREAM WEDDING IDEAS:
– my ex who is still in love with me attends & is dramatically sad
– grandma gets tipsy & I find out what REALLY happened to cousin Louise
– The bridesmaid I secretly hate trips down the aisle & the video goes viral
– there’s like a groom or w/e idc
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
A nice way to tell someone their breath stinks, “well I’m bored,let’s go brush our teeth” in mid convo
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
An English version of Cookie Monster called Biscuit Gentlemen who always wants biscuits but also uses the word please, because we’re not savages.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
extremely rude of the target self-checkout camera to show me exactly what i look like
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
I need more from my antidepressant, like clean my bathrooms. Go grocery shopping. Pull your weight.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Hi everyone, welcome to ventriloquist club! The first rule here is do not talk about ventriloquist club…with your lips moving.
Haha, just a little joke to get us started.
Obviously the first rule is don’t fall in love with your puppet.
ME: my apologies sir I totally thought you were someone else
HIM: *pulls plunger off his face* well don’t let it happen again
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no