me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
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Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it:
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Oops, I “accidentally” left my in-laws at the grocery store. Darn. I guess I’ll just have to get them Monday on the way back to the airport.
My wife: “I’ll be ready in a second. I just have to get the kids dressed.”
Me: “OK.”
*takes a nap*
*reads four books*
*builds a pyramid*
Hubs: You wouldn’t believe the day I had at work!
Me: (wiping my kid’s piss off the floor and carpet for the 4,000th time today)
Hubs: Never mind
Me: Smart move
I inject heroin into my arm that’s scarred from times prior, my eyes roll back into my head as my manager pounds on my door telling me I’m on in five minutes. Let’s rock I say as I grab my bass guitar, take a pull of whisky, and get into my chuckee cheese mouse band costume
It’s only August and I’m already tired of watering my plants. Makes me wonder how my daughter has lasted 18 years.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
“Why do birds suddenly appear?”
To shit on my newly washed car, that’s why.
dream jobs:
• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
“I want to see my lawyer” – grilled chicken
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
WIFE: My favorite jeans are too tight now.
ME: That sucks.
WIFE: You must have shrunk them in the wash.
ME: But, they weren’t even in the laun-
WIFE: …
ME: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
My boss at the stencil factory once asked me to make a template for work, so next morning I went to the temp’s house and let her tyres down
if I was a horned animal fighting another male for a mate and I lost, I would just go up to one of the females after and be like “I won.” They don’t even watch
My fashion sense has been described as “They probably won’t let you in like that” and “Are those your pajamas?”
Changing your mind can be a sign of strength. Like when I swear to tell the truth but then a prosecutor asks me a question & I decide not to
Dating tip:
Don’t offer to pay.
It’s a sign of weakness.
Build trust through mutual agreement to steal.No one suspects the “happy couple.”
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Social media is proof that even when you fire your gun in the air, someone will pretend one of those bullets hit them.
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.