ANGEL: so the humans turned out… okay
GOD: my greatest creation
ANGEL: truly your best work
GOD: imma drown em
ANGEL: oh thank god
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I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Went to a bar. Ordered a drink. Waiter served it without ice. So I called him again & asked for it.
I kept sipping my drink while waiting for ice. By the time the waiter came with ice, I had finished my drink.
Moral of the story:
Just ice delayed is just ice denied.
I’m praying to 1500 Hindu Gods to help me finish decorating this Christmas tree
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
Oh man almost forgot the trash
*takes trash out, a nice little sushi place*
This is great
*sees wife there with the recycling*
WHAT THE HELL
Sometimes I’ll go to a grocery store and rotate all of the Tide detergents 90 degrees and yell “THE TIDES HAVE TURNED!” until I’m kicked out
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Trust me, it’s all filters and angles. I’m actually a saint bernard.
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
Dangerously attractive guitars get added to the sexy fenders register.
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
[stranded on a desert island]
*finds a message in a bottle*
hey honey, where do we keep the teabags?
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
If you see my kid on zoom in the same clothes he’s been wearing the past five days mind your business our homeschool has a uniform.
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
They don’t seem to abduct humans like they used to; looks like we are not the only planet with government science-funding budget cuts. Sad.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
Me: I wanna be ugly
Genie: you got 3 wishes left
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I successfully predicted all my different cousin’s pregnancies before they announced it simply from observing them not drinking at family parties, which made me realize that my family are a bunch of goddamn drunks