Killing an albatross won’t bring bad luck to sailors, but that is exactly the sort of thing an albatross would go around telling people.
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My financial situation is so bad, I’M being sponsored by a child in Africa
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Of course when Godzilla destroys the city is the same day I wear flip flops and no belt!
Me: you shouldn’t be working here, you’re a human being
Hooters waitress: look, it was my choi-
Me: seriously, where are the owl waiters
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
If I could be a superhero, I’d be Aluminum Man. My superpower would be foiling crime.
her: did you wrestle in high school?
me: do my emotions count?
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
“The name’s Bond, James Bond…
and you are”?
My wife is always like, “You answer the door, I don’t even have my bra on!” and for that reason, I have stopped wearing a bra.
I was dating a Masseuse but he rubbed me up the wrong way so now I’m dating his brother the chiropractor, who so really cracks me up.
On tonight’s episode of regrettable parenting decisions, I gave my 3 yo slime and specifically told her not to put it in her hair. You can guess where the slime was ten minutes later.
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
My daughter told me I’m “slightly prettier than Ben Franklin,” so I have that going for me.
*puts crime-scene photos in a rocket*
Ok stand back
“Detective, what are u doing?”
What does it look like, I’m launching this investigation
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
Once I ‘get’ a man, how do I keep him, you ask?
It’s simple you idiot. I add cheese to everything. He makes lasagna; I add cheese. He wants to have a pass; I throw straight cheese. He wants to discuss fundamental physics; I buy string cheese…
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
If you replace “umbrella” with “Nutella” in Rihanna’s song, the song still works, if not more so.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life