[ants at a Def Leppard concert]
*Pour Some Sugar on Me starts*
Ant 1: Oh hell yeah I love this one
Ant 2: Sugar is good for us and the queen
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Champagne lovers are bubblyophiles
FRIEND: What’s the movie, where they bring that monster to life and then have to destroy it?
[at the same time]
HER: Frankenstein.
ME: Frosty the Snowman.
Not to brag…
… but practically all of my arrest warrants are considered ‘outstanding’.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
The people in charge of hell sometimes visit North Korea just to exchange ideas.
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
My five year old keeps saying creditor when he means predator, and I can’t bring myself to correct him because tbh it works.
*pours one out for my dad on Father’s Day*
*my dad’s ghost yells at me for wasting good vodka*
I love Pilates. At my age, you don’t hear, “Lay down and put your legs in the straps” very often.
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
BBC:when a women is attracted to a man, she speaks in a higher pitch than normal
That explains why every woman I talk to sounds like Batman
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
If I was stuck on Mars and had nothing to eat but potatoes, not sure I’d worry about getting home
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I haven’t been around a baby in so long I can’t even remember how to put their leash on.
(Trump rally)
Trump: I’ll take questions now.
Reporter: How will you fix California’s drought?
Trump: More water.
Crowd: *cheers wildly*
Wife: “Oh my God! You really ONLY hear what you want!”
Me: “Thanks! I’ve been working out!”
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
Sure kids are great but have you tried sleep?
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
B2….
or not B2…
That might be the number.
–Shakespearean Bingo Caller
“If you break up with me, I will beach myself.” -dramatic whale
Heading to Jo Ann fabrics for tweet inspiration. They have a lot of material.