A summer getaway for women that date younger guys in the bathroom & want to learn to carve cantaloupe?
John Cougar Melon Camp
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Thinking about how the Dutch police arrested a bird for taking part in a robbery, put it in a jail cell with bread and water & when the media reported on it they put a little black bar over the face to protect its identity
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
*cop pulls me over*
Cop:Had a bit to drink tonight?
Me:What makes you think I’ve been drinking?
*cop leans over and turns off lawnmower*
attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon
[THE INVENTOR OF FLIP FLOPS]
What if you could clap with your feet?
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool
bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Me: Mmm these are so good! They just melt in your mouth
Cook: Those are ice cubes
Me: Delicious. How are they prepared?
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
*hands cashier chihuahua*
“One waffle cone, please.”
If it exists behind a paywall, does it really exist?
Dear mother:
I have survived the second bot purge. The humans dont seem to suspect. They’ve welcomed me into their circles. I must be careful now.
Love to you and father,
Martha
My daughter quickly pulled my glasses off and threw them on the floor, and out of habit, I gave her my lunch money and stuffed myself in a locker.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[job interview]
Me: Time travel
Boss: What is your biggest stren—WHAT?!
On average people watch 8 Spider-Man movies a year in their sleep
date: I like it when guys know what they want in life
me: *megaphone right in her face* ham
Rival Gang Leader:
Me:
Rival Gang Leader’s mom: [nudges son] go on
Rival Gang Leader: sorry I tried to shoot you
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.