a trio of sheep gather to watch as you sit upon the fence to eat your lunch
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Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
[my first day on the international space station]
*grinds pepper over food*
Oh.
Oh no.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I dont mean to sound racist, but why is my baby black?
*doctor sighs for like 3 mins*
“Sir, its an ultrasound”
*Seinfeld bass riff for days*
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
Baby needs a costume? Wrap it in tin foil. Baked potato. Next question.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Her: Wanna “lex” tonight?
Him: What’s that?
Her: Lazy sex.
Him: What do we do?
Her: Lay in bed and send each other Huffington Post articles.
serial killer: you’re in for a slow and agonizing death
me: so you’re gonna let me live
“If Bernie doesn’t get the nom, I’m voting Trump.”
“Also, if McDonald’s is out of chicken nuggets, I’m going to eat 20 scorpions.”
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
What if I made a cactus delicious?
– pineapple inventor
(trying to climb out of bean bag chair) you’re breaking up with me?
Everyone’s an atheist until they’re making a phone call & praying it goes to voicemail
[Twister]
DOG 1: left paw green
DOG 2: i told u this was a terrible idea
DOG 1: cmon Jim just pick the green one
DOG 2: THEYRE ALL GREY GARY
As a 36 year old man I know that buying nunchucks as a self defense weapon wasn’t a smart idea but as a 36 year old man with a concussion I also know that they will do their job
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
[returning from Damascus]
St Paul: “Friends! Let me tell you all about God’s son, Esus”
Voice from the crowd: “Esus? But I thought-“
St Paul: “The letter “J” doesn’t fall into common usage until the 16th century”
St Ohn: “It’s true”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Whoever had the bright idea of putting book jackets on children’s books clearly never had children of their own.
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier