If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
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Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
like a moth to a flame or a human to a refrigerator light bulb.
what’s wrong babe? you’ve barely touched your charcuberie
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
Something ive learned about being on twitter for 10 years is when a non twitter person sends me content from someone i know and am mutuals with the nice/normal reply is to laugh. Do not say “i know them! They had a tough divorce!”
My high school guidance counselor asked what kind of job I wanted and I said “probably something laid back where you can just sit in an office and play solitaire.” She said “those jobs don’t exist.” I was like “oh—well how did you become a high school guidance counselor?”
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
knocked on my neighbors door to complain about his hammering and discovered he was hosting a Thor fancy dress party
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
she kept her secret snacks under the false bottom of a vintage hat box behind the old hoover vacuum in the guest bedroom closet…amateur
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
I didn’t mean to like your selfie I was just trying to get dried salsa off my phone
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Not sure of the logistics yet on how to include this in my last will & testament, but I’d like to stage a “coffin flop” for my funeral
*yells from space*
Did you kill that spider?!
FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[Waffle House interview]
Manager:“How good are you at avoiding flying chairs?”
Her:“I’m basically a Jedi.”
Manager:“When can you start?”