[Zombie Apocalypse]
Him: Pack your go-bag. No nonessentials.
Me: KMascara
Record player
Albums
Like 4 of his hoodies
Vodka
Charger
Katana
800 thread count sheets
Books
Cheese*dies*
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“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Outing my girlfriend as a Protestant at Christmas dinner so my Granny forgets that we’re both women
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
My lawn care company sent me an email saying, “We like to feed it before we seed it,” and I was like damn, they stole my game.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Weirdly Wednesday.
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt have no other Gods bef-”
“Slow down, fella. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’.”
opening twitter today
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Types of shit:
1) Awe
2) Jack
3) Knee deep in
5) Holy
6) Dip
7) Full of
8) Bull
9) Piece of
10) Happens
11) I don’t give a
if i could teach my cat to go downstairs and accept my doordash delivery i would never marry
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
My 3yo just reminded ME to wash my hands after we got home so if anything good were to come out of this pandemic it’s that we’re raising a less gross genera- ope never mind he just ate a booger
The Willy Wonka grandparents were connected under the covers, like a rat king.
Nowadays pictures are more filtered than water.
HER: [being led out in cuffs]
HIM: “Why is she being arrested?”
COP: “Fraud.”
HIM: “I don’t understand.”
COP: “She was faking it, sir.”
HER: “I’m so sorry, Stan.”
Yeah I go to the gym.
Today I will be working on my uh…cordyceps.
He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
if I’m wearing a suit you better be dead or getting married
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
N – necessary
A – adult
P – procedure
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works