Me, at 15: I’m going to change the world!
Me, at 25: I’m going to change the workforce!
Me, at 35: I’m going to change out of my pajamas tomorrow.
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My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Thinking about the time I bought 20+ 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…
Dance like no ones watching, clean like the cleaning lady is coming tomorrow
Some of us matured in our 30’s and naturally stopped committing crime as the risk was not deemed worth the reward
Some of us just developed bad knees
I never understood why that family in Poltergeist stayed in the house after all the crazy shit they went through. But then again, here we all are, for some reason still on Twitter.
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
As a kid, I had to be careful not to curse around adults. Now as an adult, I have to be careful not to curse around kids.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
“Recalculating. Recalculating.”
– My GPS after I get distracted following an SUV with a dog in the back
If no one comes from the future to stop you from doing it than how bad of a decision can it really be?
1st wise man: I brought gold for the baby
2nd wise man: [hiding frankincense behind his back] actually that gold is from both of us
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
Wait. Those Nigerian girls are still missing??
What about that really cool hashtag we made?
They didn’t free them when they saw it??
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Who needs Botox when some discreetly placed scotch tape and social distancing are a thing.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
*looks at crushed dead raccoon on the side of the road* i’m thinking Arby’s™
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
Person: I evaluate the efficacy of new medications
Me: *nodding* a curator
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Guantanamo Bae
If the good lord did not intend for me to eat this entire bag of chili cheese fritos then he wouldn’t have made them so delicious
Amen
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
Match dot com, but for socks.