“What a nice doggie.”
“I’ll have you know it’s not a doggie but a pure bred.”
“YOU HAVE A DOG MADE OUT OF BREAD??!!!!”
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This took me a second..
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
If I was on death row I’d request my own heart as my last meal. But they wouldn’t be able to extract it til they killed me: Catch 22. I walk
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
If a tree falls in the woods and there is no one to hear it, he still tries to play it off like he meant it so the other trees don’t laugh.
I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
Everyone loves a picture of a good rack.
Just checked my Fitbit. I’ve taken 212 steps today and that was just from going back and forth to the fridge.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
cop: any drugs on u
me: on or in
cop: what
me: what
[commercial for college]
*person shoveling money into furnace*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better way?
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
[on date]
HER: What are you doing on your phone?
ME: An update
HER: What update?
ME: Not much, what up with you?
It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the even worster of times, it was the most worster-est ever of times.
Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
2016 took so many beautiful, talented men I’ve loved my entire life. Seems unfair that I still have to dodge my ex at the grocery store.
“Invisible Woman” just followed me.
I did not see that coming.
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist