Me: How is your chicken?
Mario: It needsa salt.
Me: Uh… ok *punches chicken*
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“What character would I like to see throwing up in a parking lot?”
-How I pick my Halloween costume
[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
We’re intellectual opposites.
You’re intellectual and I’m opposite.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
I need a way to roll up a car window between me and a person talking to me when I’m not in a car
A recent study by UN has found dexter to be the no 1 cause for ocean pollution
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
Dog: WHAT IF I’M HERE ALONE FOREVER
Dog 911: WHAT WILL U EAT
Dog: probably eat the cat LOL
Dog 911: LOL
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
[Whole Foods]
Woman: MY COCONUT WATER BROKE!
*I drive her to the hospital and she names her first coconut after me*
*goes in for first kiss*
*stops*
Before this goes any further, I need to understand your position on naming our kids after water Pokèmon
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
What inspires you to get out of bed every day? For me, it’s my bladder mostly
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
Death is often a good career move if you’re a poet.
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news