Just got added to a list called “people.” Glad I made that cut.
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The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
(Cargo pants filled with tater tots) “How many do I need to get an Xbox?”
“Sir, that’s not how Toys for Tots works.”
“FALSE ADVERTISING!”
If I had 3 wishes I’d spend them on my daughter.
Happiness, success and her very own little shithead who refuses to replace the TP roll.
Husband: Stop introducing me as your first husband.
Almost got asked for ID this morning!
Ok, most of my face was covered by a mask but I’m still having it!
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
[interview]
“How would you describe your people skills?”
ME: I tend to drive others away.
“That’s great! Welcome to Uber.”
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
It’s easy to blind someone with science. All you need is a good throwing arm, the proper wind direction, and a little sulfuric acid.
Idk if anyone else has experienced this but I don’t like when things negatively affect me
Her: You’re perfect as you are, don’t ever change a thing.
[later]
Her: Er, that didn’t include your underwear…
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
Just saw someone call a non electric toothbrush an “acoustic toothbrush”
I’m doing zoom therapy at my mom’s house while she’s in the other room so I guess it’s dad’s fault today
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
*lays down on memory foam mattress*
mattress: remember that time you pooped your pants in 3rd grade?
me: I regret buying you
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
“It was M. Day Shyamalan all along!” – The ultimate twist
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”