“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
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You: hello
Me: Ok here’s why you’re wrong
My 3 year old cried all day yesterday because he lost his brand new Spiderman sunglasses. Searched the whole house to no avail. I just asked if he remembered where he put them & he casually said, “Yes, at the bottom of the laundry basket in my room.” My bad for not asking sooner.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
“Dad, is that a bear outside the tent?”
“No.”
“OK.”
“Hold still.”
“What’re you putting on me?”
“Sunscreen.”
“It smells like ketchup.”
“Shhh”
Mimes are known to commit
unspeakable acts.
I’ve deleted enough tweets to know that I should never get a tattoo.
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
Cop: Pullover!
Me: It’s a cardigan.
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
Me: Quitters never prosper.
12-year-old: What about people who quit drugs?
I’m out of wisdom for today.
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
I tell my child, “10 minutes till bed!”
She hears me say, “Go put on a Halloween costume.”
Why?
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
How many vintage novelty sweaters does a grown woman need? Apparently just one more
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
i used to enjoy weather like “sunny” or rainy” or cloudy” i’m glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like “smoke”
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Going to tell my grandkids this is how Covid started.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
Have you ever woken up from a nap to find everyone at Chili’s staring at you?
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?