I once spent some time with my grandson’s second grade class so I think I have a pretty good idea of how government works.
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“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
JESUS: *Turns water into La Croix*
ME: *Takes sip* Oh…yeah. I guess… *takes another sip* Yeah, I guess this is kind of different.
JESUS: Better?
ME: No… no, not better.
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
Omg like wtf
-me, praying
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I’m already there, pal.
Her: What’s the baby playing with?
Him: Marbles.
Her: OMG, she might swallow them!
Him: Don’t worry! They’re not my competition marbles.
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
The most exercise I get from my exercise ball is when I move it around in my apartment so that it’s not in my way.
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
[McDonald’s drive thru]
Me: One burger pls
Drive Thru: Ok one murder got it
Me: Ha what
(In a flash, Grimace is ripping the door off my car)
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.