When anyone says they’ve embarrassed themselves enough for one day, I smile, nod and think ‘that kind of limit sounds nice’
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Me: *shopping for turtlenecks*
Amazon: People who bought this item also bought lye, plastic sheeting, and a chainsaw
Whenever I put on makeup, I do a sign of the cross on my forehead with my foundation and I’ll tell myself “Bless this mess.”
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
Spring cleaning checklist…
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
⚠️ Important Reminder:
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
My one neighbor just said Supposingly and my other neighbor responded with Supposably..
I’ve hid both their bodies
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
if you hold a crab up to your ear you can hear what it’s like to get attacked by a crab
Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day
My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Don’t expect a “bless you” after you sprayed me down with your sneeze.
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
anytime anyone dunks on me on this app i’m like man :/ i bet if they took the time to get to know me they’d be able to dunk on me even harder and more specifically :///
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
*third date, back at my place*
me: this is my cat, Meowchelle Obama. you should have seen the cold shoulder she gave me when i brought Meowlania Trump home from the shelt… HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”