Just when you think your marriage is going smoothly your husband eats the last piece of cake.
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My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
me teaching american history: so the president’s job is he guards the declaration of independence from nicolas cage.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
i saw this and everything about it annoyed me so i’m posting it in hopes that it annoys you too
Your phone dying is god’s way of telling you to plug it into an outlet and lie in an awkward position so you can continue doing whatever it is you’re going to hell for
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
Bread pudding is not a dessert. it is just wet bread. do not fall for this scam. Resist.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
[being murdered]
me: thanks for doing this
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
I like wearing a pullover because the name is also instructions. There’s none of the trial and error that comes with other types of clothing. You just pull it straight over your legs.
-On second thought, this is a terrible waste of trees
-I love how you care for the planet honey, but just bring me the toilet paper already
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
this husky was supposed to learn how to swim, but discovered that she could just float instead
(jukin media)
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
Marriage teaches you a lot about yourself. For instance, I’ve learned that I don’t need to use so many paper towels, and they’re expensive.
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet
I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.