Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
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I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
50 Shades of Grey is also the title of the 101 Dalmatians alternate ending where Cruella wins and makes a coat out of the puppies.
If u wanna be happy the rest of ur life
Never make a prairie falcon ur wife
They need a moderate altitude
To catch burrowing owls for food
Asked a guy if I could pet his dog and he said “my wife is coming back in a minute.” Sir I am ONLY interested in your dog but it’s kind of reassuring that NONE of us knows how to function in public anymore
Why hasn’t somebody opened a coffee shop next to a courthouse called ‘On What Grounds?’ Send
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.
Me: excuse me, but I can’t taste the alcohol
Clerk: all smoothies are non alcoholic here.
Me: YOU SHOULDN’T CALL YOURSELF A BAR THEN!
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
me: how’d the date go
friend: i got ghosted
me: wow that’s crazy how did the pottery turn out
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
[doing crunches]
Me: get it? ab solution?
Priest: so excommunicated
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
We don’t talk enough about Nicholson’s competent axe technique in The Shining
You have a really old bottle of hair care product in your shower. You have a pre-existing conditioner.
Sex is great, but have you ever deleted 1700 emails after returning from vacation?
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
When you turn 50, they change the lightbulb in your fridge to that memory eraser from Men in Black
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
I’m only going to have two glasses of wine tonight
~ refills 32 oz tumbler
We need to put an end to all these motion activated Halloween props displayed in the stores. I prefer to do all my leaping and high pitched fear shrieking at home.
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
Remember don’t judge, you never know what another person is going through
Unless they’re constantly oversharing on Facebook, then go ahead
5yo: knock knock
Me:
5: Mom, knock KNOCK
Me:
5: I said KNOCK KNOCK!!
Me: Sorry, you know how I feel about answering the door, buddy.