mugger: your money or your life
me: oh you pick
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It doesn’t matter how angrily I type in my password. I am still wrong.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “redacted”
can you use it in a sentence?
The ██ ████ is █████ ████ and ██ ████.
“You were out too late with your hoodlum friends!,” I yell at my husband, and suddenly I’m in a rocking chair, shaking a cane, wondering if they’ll ever find a cure for my polio.
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
If you’re curious what the priciest item in a store is just bring a kid along because they’ll definitely find then break it
A person becomes 10 times more attractive not by their looks but by photoshop
Facebook memories be like
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
The lady behind me in line was in a hurry to get out of the grocery store so I decided to write a check to pay for my stuff.
Friends are like bananas.
If you peel their skin and eat them, they will die.
[Valentine’s Day]
Husband: These Reese’s hearts look weird. And why aren’t they wrapped?
Me: *flashback to carefully reshaping half-price Reese’s pumpkins into hearts* I guess they come like that now?
Hey girl, are you the week-old leftover Chinese food I ate for lunch because you are not agreeing with me.
The Five Stages of Christmas Shopping Grief:
– denial
– anger
– strong language
– moderate violence
– a lifetime ban from Toys R Us
If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
My new boss just described me as “dramatic but not problematic” and I’ve never felt more understood in my life
Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Coolest part of meeting your new man’s family is to see the surprise look on the wife’s face
“Australia is the smallest planet”
– first day of school already paying off
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.