Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
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“When I was your age, I already owned a house”
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
I dropped a pill and while I was on the floor looking for it, I found a different, better, pill. So, that was cool.
I just want to be as happy as a character in the first half hour of a horror movie
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
No honey, there isn’t a neighbor working with a nail gun this early. That was just my knees creaking when I got out of bed.
buying dead houseplants to save time
Doctor: so what type of birth control are you using?
Me: my appearance
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
I’m not saying I was fired from Spirit Halloween for stealing, I’m just saying I have skeletons in my closet
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
ME: all the King’s horses and men couldn’t put u back together
HUMPTY DUMPTY: what now
M: [opening package of bacon] I’ll think of something
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
[Before the post office was invented]
SOME GUY: I need someone to deliver an important document
PIGEON: *simply existing*
SOME GUY: You seem trustworthy
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
I like to send love notes in my husband’s lunch like SORRY THE BREAD IS STALE MAYBE YOU SHOULD LEARN TO SEAL IT BACK WHEN YOU ARE DONE
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
Sure my whining and moaning is annoying now but when I’m a ghost it’ll be cool as hell.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Use cauliflower as a substitute for mashed potatoes, rice, and any joy in your life. You have no friends now, there is only cauliflower.
[working in a nail salon]
Me: How short would you like me to bite them?
Me: *scratches another tally mark into these prison walls*
Boss: stop damaging the office walls!