gf: [crying] I love him
gf’s dad: if you love him let him go
gf: [lets go]
me: [falling to my death] that’s not what it
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Much like Apple products, I also, am only compatible with myself.
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Apple was started in a garage. Google started out in a basement. Samsung was started inside an old shoe. Sony used to be a split bin bag. What’s your excuse? Adidas was two fish stapled together. Get your shit together.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.
If I ever find a dead body while I’m hiking I’m gonna be like finally
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
Mechanic: What’s the mileage on your car?
Me, panicking: Umm, 106.7 KROQ
Mechanic: Isn’t that a radio station?
Me: On second thought, I’m good with the old oil.
*Feels the chill*
Chill: I have a boyfriend
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
reporter: tell us how you thwarted the robbery
me: [shrugs] he told us to put our hands where he could see them so I put them over his eyes
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
Me: I’m single – I can eat beans whenever I like
Also me: why am I still single
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Onion rings.
What sounds do other vegetables make?
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn