I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
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Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
Gemini: Please stop touching the Amulet of Unceasing Regret. It’s not a toy.
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
Me, flirting😏
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
Him: Why are you here?
Me: Why am I anywhere?
Nobody on this train is decent enough to give up their seat for a pregnant woman & now I gotta stand here w/my sweater balled up in my coat.
Boss: If you fall asleep again today, I’ll fire you
Me: ok
Boss: Now go and do the sheep inventory
Me: oh no
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Unreliable eye witness testimony is the reason chameleons are nature’s most elusive and successful serial killers.
Me, yelling over the panic: IT’S OK EVERYONE I LISTENED INTENTLY TO THE SAFETY BRIEFING THE EXITS ARE OVER HERE
*audible sigh of relief from all the passengers as the plane is going down*
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
I just went to the all-you-can-eat buffet at Ceasars Palace and ate so many different meats, it’s like Noah’s Ark rught now in my stomach.
cry laughing at this shit
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Friend: Dude, you need to get into her pants.
Me: [imagining how soft her leggings would feel over my thighs] YES
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
Age ceases to be just a number everytime the airline announces seating queue priority
ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle
*throws penny in fountain for good luck
*penny seems upset and doesn’t want a second date