where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
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Just choked on a apple…
Bet a brownie wouldn’t have done that..
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
Listen to your instincts. Your gut is always right. It may be a little bloated sometimes…but it’s right.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Did you know that actors in black & white movies often put their lives in danger during driving scenes, as they weren’t able to tell if the traffic light was green or red.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Is a personal shopper someone who just goes on Amazon for you now?
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
Me: We should do more traveling this year
Bank account: Like as an Uber driver?
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
Dad owl: I’m dying so I need you to look after things. I’m going to give you-
Son owl: Don’t say it
Dad: Power of a tawny
Son: [turns head]
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
Calm down shouty man, this isn’t the first time my toddler has fought a swan.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
My neighbors listen to really good music… Whether they like it or not.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
After eating this cereal for 30 years I am still neither lucky nor charming.
Friend: just be yourself.
Me: Be myself? Be myself?!
Some of the most successful people I know aren’t myself. That’s horrible advice
how much for the angry fruit?
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
Imagine the carnage at an IKEA team building event.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Cavemen who roamed the earth were Meander-thals.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
The kids are upset we’re having chicken and peas for dinner which means our dog is very happy we’re having chicken and peas for dinner.
The good thing about having a glass shower door is that you’ll be able to see when someone is about to Norman Bates you.
Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off