Last time I went to confession, the priest made me pause so he could open the urban dictionary on his phone.
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WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Harmonicas are basically for people who like to hear music while they spit.
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Yoou can lead a horse to water but you need a seahorse to continue your journey
*yells from the back of an ambulance*
“Can you drop me off at the corner, I can’t afford this!”
law professor: you’re currently failing your ethics class
me: *slides a $20 across the desk* how about now
Now wait a minute- 😭😭😭
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
*goes to grocery store
*puts “gently used” sticker on all their cucumbers
I can’t believe I have to say this every year. Don’t share lip balm, you guys. That’s how the dry skin spreads.
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
I respect women so much I don’t even talk to them
It’s okay, everyone. I know my 3yo’s screams sound like his leg was run over by a lawn mower, but he’s just got some fuzz stuck to his thumb
[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]
Are you sure you’re ok?
It’s been four days since I started this rap battle. I’m tired and just want to see my family.
[ walking down the soap and detergent isle at the store ]
14: it smells like chores in here
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
Ben: I’m trying to read, you’re in my light
Me: Because I am a Solo eclipse!
Ben: Dad I swear to-
Me: I am blocking the light of the son!
The shortest amount of time known to man is what scientists call a “sundae second.” It refers to the period of time between when your child says he is too full to finish dinner and when he asks for ice cream.
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
i’m sure it’s fine
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Smartphone owners are the bravest. They’re not afraid of anything not even death.
They can walk into any running truck without giving a damn
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.