1996: Why do they call the internet “the web”
20 years later, trapped & unable to leave: Oh
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My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
Yes I am a water sign and pancake mix is mostly water and thus I am a pancake sign
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I swear 75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
[alternate universe where vegetables enforce the law]
person: *sees a robbery* I’m calling the crops
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
[feeding baby Malaysian food]
“Here comes the plane”
*makes plane noises**spoon just disappears*
Me: how are you
Friday: good
My kid can’t see the backpack hanging on his doorknob but he can find a Kit-Kat bar I hid in the attic
Me: Do you have assorted cheeses?
Mom [exactly right next to me]: A sword of jesus?
Me: Yes ma, did you have a sword of jesus?
Dad [from down the hall]: We have lots of cheese in the top drawer of the fridge!
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
According to my co-workers, I have the paitience of a saint which my family thought was hilarious until I told them to shut up
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
What idiot called it removing a curse and not a hexagon?
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Jesus saves. Often. Because even he knows Microsoft Word is a piece of shit.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
Her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride dolphins
Me: i’m taking a plane Linda
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
If a cop tazed me and then yelled “Raiden Wins!”… I would instantly lose all animosity towards him.
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”