Me, walking around the limbo bar: Imbeciles
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Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
–Cats
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
Let them kids believe in Santa! You believe you’re cute no one says shit
i spent four months making this so might as well post on twitter too 🧍🏻♀️
It’s truly insane how I’ll still stay stuff to my five year old like “hang on mate, you’ve been saying you’re hungry all afternoon, and now you won’t eat your dinner” as if he’s going to turn around and go “that’s such a good point yeah. You’ve bested me with logic this time”
Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.
Also me: *sends him 67 messages*
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
Friend from college: Hey! You remember that time…
Me: No
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Only when you have finished cleaning the entire kitchen, will a teenager appear from the basement with a weeks worth of dishes.
My “I’m enraged!” status update on Facebook garnered a lot of congratulations from people who don’t read well.
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
Nurse: What is your pain level?
Me: 5
Nurse: What level is acceptable to you?
Me: Uhh 0, you psycho
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
#TopTip
I been working on my summer bod: it the same as my regular body, but this time more popsackles in it.
Me: Sleep time
Brain: Remember in 9th grade when you rhymed “bridges” with “bridges” in a poem & didn’t notice till you were reciting aloud?
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.