Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
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me: it’s an egg dying party!
8yo: why are we celebrating dead eggs?
A rap song where I’m just telling my dog about my day & I keep rhyming with “treats” so he stays interested.
Women’s day is just a made up holiday to get us to buy more women
Him- All of your fantasies include me, right?
*imagines flying on a Pegasus with Thor*
H- Are you waving at the ground?
Me-Yes to both
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
I’m just gonna say it. I’d smurf Smurfette.
Me: I woke up feeling super happy and confident, this is great! Nothing can go wrong.
Those Shoes That Make My Feet Smell Like Old Cheese: hey girl. wear me.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
*walks into work with massive bruise on cheek*
Co-worker: omg what happened
Me: *thinks back to dropping phone on my face* uh, mugged
Trump says that Obama founded ISIS but in his defense Donald thinks that founded is a synonym for “located”
Me: this pot sucks
Wife: *surrendering any remaining hope of future joy* no the other kind of pot roast
her: You look really good.
me: Thanks! That’s a really cool pen. Where did you get it?
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up.
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
Why is nobody talking about how Sia is just Hulk Hogan’s mustache?
If you tell me you’re giving something 110% then I’m assuming the extra 10% is your stupidity.
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
Therapist: How are you feeling?
Me: Rage
Therapist: What is bringing you rage?
Me: My kids, my husband, the sound the refrigerator makes, the endless laundry, zoom calls and the debilitating fear of contracting Covid-19. Oh and I miss Starbucks and the outside world.
Date: so you’re a handyman?
Me: no I just do odd jobs
Date: like what
Me: yesterday I taught a duck karate
Weird how my husband is so adamant about not having more animals for someone who’s going to own more animals.
I ran out of coffee and my husband said I should just have tea instead so the next time he wanted to have sex I said he should just have tea instead
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
Me: *holding a baby* How do you reboot this thing?
Oh you “like women?” Cool, name three of their early works.
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
*sharpens claws of two dozen lobsters*
*sets loose in back yard*
*never mows again*
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.