The older I get, the more I lose my looks. But I’m also losing my eyesight, so it’s not my problem
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Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Is this a threat?
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
The only thing I DON’T like about renting a summer cottage is having to adapt to a new kitchen. You reach for the chef’s knife but pull out the bread knife because the handles are identical! And there’s NO time to make another selection because the killer is coming right at you.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
Family bike ride? Sure, that sounds great! Just give me 2-3 hours to pump up all of these bike tires and we’ll be on our way!
The woman in the Superman underwear next to me does not quite understand how white pants work.
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Them: hello! we’ve been trying to reach you about your extended warranty
Me: cool – first let me tell you about my podcast!
(Line goes dead)
I was sitting there getting my hair cut, when a spider ran across the floor.
And that’s how you accidentally get bangs.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Whenever I leave a public bathroom I fold the toilet paper into a fancy triangle to class the joint up
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
Dog keeps sighing melodramatically. I know he wants me to ask him what’s wrong, but I’m not falling for it.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*